As a young girl, I never really thought I would ever struggle with my self-worth. Growing up, my mother would always teach me that I was a precious daughter of God, and that my worth is great in His eyes. I believed it, I still do. Society today is known for corrupting someones self worth. For example, some magazines have announcements on the very front cover on how to lose weight in a week, how to have a man fall for you, etc. While I see those types of articles today, I simply roll my eyes and don't even attempt to pick the magazine up and give it some of my time.
In high school, my own self-worth was tested. The young teenage girls around me were, in my mind, effortlessly beautiful (perfect make-up, cute hair). As I looked upon them, I forgot my own beauty. I was so focused on everyone else that it seemed to make me lose confidence. I cared only about what people thought of me, and if they didn't like me I would take it very personally. In fact, I'm sure they weren't effortlessly looking like that. They probably woke up at 6 in the morning and spent hours in front of a mirror (which I am not looking down on them for). But my 15 year old self didn't realize that. Some thoughts went through my mind, 'why don't I look like that? Will a boy ever like me if I never look so perfect?' Now, being 21 and in college, I see how toxic those thoughts are.
I remember having a conversation with a girl before graduating, and she told me that she always thought I was beautiful and an example to others. Now, I was completely caught off guard. Me? Beautiful? At that moment, I took a step back and realized that I, in ways, bullied myself. I bullied myself on my style, the way I spoke, even my grades.
If I could go back in time, I would visit the 15 year old me and tell her that NO, your grades do NOT dictate your self worth. NO, your clothes, your money status- IT DOES NOT DICTATE ANYTHING.
Each one of us is beautiful in our own way. No matter where you go to school, or where you shop, or what grades you get, or how much you weigh, you are truly beautiful. You deserve love. You deserve happiness. You deserve the world.
When I was attending community college right before transferring schools, I wrote a long research paper on Media and the influence it has with body image and eating disorders. I started my research, and I can say that I didn't really do that topic because it was easy to do. In fact, it was the hardest paper I had to write because I was one of those teenagers that read the magazines and wished I could like the girl on the cover. I remember ordering the famous teen magazine SEVENTEEN, and my mother told me that I should read something more uplifting. Now, I will admit, when she said that I got defensive. Why couldn't I read it? But now, as I writing this blog I am deeply thankful for her saying that. It's true, we should read things that are uplifting. Not things that point out flaws we think we have, or even guilt us into changing things to be like the perfect model on the cover. Women aren't the only people targeted, men are too. Instead of losing weight, it's how to gain muscles. How to be such a catch that women are waiting to get a chance to talk with them.
Today, models are saying no to Photoshop and standing up against body shaming. But back then, Photoshop was very popular, so popular that each picture in the magazine had some kind of filter, alteration or sparkle. Did I realize that when I ordered SEVENTEEN? No. I didn't.
Having low self-esteem isn't fun. I have to say that even now I have moments where I struggle with how I view myself. Not many know this, but I am suffering from deep emotional issues and am going to therapy. One thing that I am struggling with right now is the same issues I was having when I was a young teen. But I have hope. Hope of a brighter future, and maybe I can help others with this blog. I have a sense of confidence, because I know that I am doing things that are helping me, not hindering me. I know first hand how it feels to look in the mirror and not like who you are. But I remind myself that I AM WORTH IT. I tend to forget the amazing women I have had growing up, and now in my adult years. In church, in school, in my family.
When I was in high school, I had the chance to go to Girls Camp for my church in the summer. The first few years were tough, but the last three were absolutely splendid. Especially the last two. Why? Because I felt like I had a purpose. I was over a group of young girls, and I loved each one of them. They, in my eyes, were perfect daughters of God. Each of them had different personalities. They were lovely, sweet, funny. I remember one night we were having a conversation about how we view ourselves. I could tell that the girls struggled with what I was struggling with. I stepped up, comforted them and told them that they were worth it. Don't focus on what you aren't, focus on what you are. For the first time, I put my problems away and helped others. Looking back at it now, I wish I took my own advice.
I am re-learning how to love myself, and it's hard. But boy is it worth it. As the days pass, I can sense that I finally am gaining the feelings that I should have. I promise that if you truly try, and if you open your heart that you will begin to learn that you, love, are worth it. Don't forget where you came from, and where you are going. I know that I have made people proud, and I keep that close to my heart. So keep something close to your heart, as well.
Until next time.
~A.
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